“Heaven” Is For Tools

Ironically, a mere five hours after posting a blog about VH1′s shamelessly vapid programming, I just caught wind that “Matsuflex” (bottom) and “Shawn” (top) from Tool Academy will be “making an appearance” at a nightclub in Greensboro, NC called Heaven.

(<---Deep breath, and...)

Okay, first of all, let's not overlook the fact that, for this "appearance", these two dudes are getting at least two thousand bones a piece.

Second, let’s not forget that one of these guys dubbed himself “Matsuflex.” Please bear in mind that this was not one of those shows where someone like Flava Flav begins the season by arbitrarily fitting each contestant for a (ridiculous) new moniker. This dude came into the show with this silly name. (Second rule of Fight Club: you can’t give yourself a nickname. Especially one that involves the word “flex”)

Third, let’s certainly not overlook the fact that the other guy apparently walked into his barbershop and said, “Gimme the Kate Gosselin”.

Finally, the entire premise of Tool Academy was to expose these guys as being jobless, ambitionless, immoral, unethical, irresponsible, and, quite simply, the worst young adult males the VH1 casting directors could find (in other words, tools). And yet, undoubtedly, people are going to pay money to go see them.

Now, it bears confessing that I used to frequent Heaven in my early twenties. That was before it sold out and began doing things like this.

Perhaps the funniest part of the whole thing is that, under the ad for this exciting happening at Heaven, there is a picture (unlicensed, no doubt) of Megan Fox advertising Heaven.


Listen up, Heaven peeps: ain’t no WAY Ms. Fox is repping your brand. The only Transformers in this arrangement are y’all: a once-fun hangout turned Heaven for Tools.

  • Holly

    hahahaha. omg. hilarious and so true.
    Heaven is the tool capital of Greensboro.

  • http://www.shanepowers.com shane

    i want 2g’s for chasing some southern belles around Heaven

  • sarah

    who are those people

  • sam fagg

    Dude, that’s hilarious. I think you hit the nail on the head. I saw Megan F at Whole Foods the other day, I think next time I see her I’ll ask her about the Heaven (G’boro) promo. Ha!